More Stupidity Part 5: Extremely Stupid Edition

May 26, 2010
Delaram 2, Afghanistan
02:00

Wow, so things keep getting better, and better, and BETTER over here! Life in a deployed status is just peachy right now.

Here are some things I have neglected to mention for one reason or another in my past few entries...

My body armor is defective. Take a deep breath. Inhale through your nose. Hold it. Slow release. Close your eyes. Now let me repeat myself. MY BODY ARMOR IS DEFECTIVE! What!? How is that possible!? The Marine Corps is in a constant state of deployment cycles (since 2001) which means that I'm either deployed, recovering from a deployment, or getting ready to deploy again. Don't you think that sometime between deployments, like during the training of AN ENTIRE BATTALION, the manufacturers would NOTICE THAT THEIR ARMOR PLATES WERE DEFECTIVE!?

Wait, wouldn't they just friggin' notice this DURING THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE MATERIALS IN THE FIRST PLACE!? Isn't this something they're supposed to notice before they issue it to people WHO ARE GOING TO A FRIGGIN' WAR!?

I can't believe how people back home would receive this information. I feel like I need to have a 60 minute stand up routine every week for at least 6 months to explain how modern war really is over here. There's no way that after the constant bombardment of war movies and television in the U.S., the American people could ever imagine what war has become. They've got it engraved in their minds that it's a noble thing to keep the peace in some part of the world, and keep bad guys from getting to America.

Well, here I sit in the middle of a war, with plates that go into the sides of my flak jacket THAT ARE DEFECTIVE! Define defective? I can't. I'm not sure what it means. Does it mean that when the bullet hits me in the side, it goes through the SAPI plate? Does it mean the plate just shatters in a way it wasn't designed to? Does it mean...what else could it mean? Nothing is explained to me other than "If your side SAPIs have 'this serial number on them' then they're defective and they need to be replaced. Let us know if yours are defective."

Guess what? THAT WAS ALMOST A MONTH AGO! That means I've had defective body armor for almost a month, and it hasn't been replaced. A wise man once told me, "You gotta laugh, or you're gonna cry." That statement hasn't been more true in any other situation throughout my life. I'm in a war. My body armor doesn't work. They won't replace it. No one will help me. Rockets get shot at the base I live in. Unbelievable. Nearly a month later...no action taken. Who are these fucking IDIOTS supplying the USMC with defective armor? I'll have to check the SAPI plates for a URL advertisement or something.

So, now that I'm laughing to hold back the tears, I'm about to start laughing even harder for the same reason in relation to another development a couple days ago.

And you're thinking..."John...what could that possibly be?"

My helmet is defective. Take another deep breath. I'm taking another deep breath. My helmet is defective? Yes, my helmet is defective.

I'm trying to figure out how the civilian contractors who build this stuff discover (months, if not years later) that it's defective.

"Hey, let's test the helmet today!"

"Why? We already sold it!"

And so they test it for the first time...ever...and discover it doesn't work. Oh yeah, people are already in a war zone with the defective helmets. Then what do they say after they realize the stuff is defective?

"Oops?"

Maybe they discover it's defective after someone dies wearing it. I wouldn't rule out that possibility either. There isn't any way I can convey how frustrating life is here in text. I'd need to stand on a street corner and just scream at people. Then they'd take me for a lunatic, but that's what I'd become if I had to be here for any longer than what I'm anticipating. Apparently "The Colonel" is coming to this base to tell us what our flight dates are for our return home. Must be some juicy bit of information because he has to tell us in person. Does this mean he's coming in person to apologize because we have to stay longer?

"Oh, yeah, remember the 30,000 troops that were going to surge here? Well, they're all here now and you're a part of them, so you can't leave till 2011! Gotchya!"

In other news, every day now we have to have an "Accountability Formation" to make sure everyone one is accounted for and that no one has gone AWOL into Afghanistan where there are so many opportunities and reasons for a U.S. service member to do so.

By the way, this formation is at 18:00. I work from 00:00 to 12:00. So...now I basically have to wake up in the middle of my day's worth of sleep to stand around with a bunch of other idiots who aren't in my platoon and listen to the instructions they get for the next day's work. Of course, we work on a 12 hour cycle, and therefore my day is the same everyday, so I know no one in a Security, Motor Transportation, or Heavy Equipment platoon is going to tell me what I'm doing the next day. Why? Because I have my own platoon sergeant and platoon commander for that thing.

Nonetheless, I have to wake up before 18:00 (the equivalent of someone on a normal sleeping schedule waking up around...between 1:00-3:00AM) and stand there for ten minutes just to feel like shit while someone makes sure I'm still here and follows by saying a bunch of crap that doesn't apply to me.

Yesterday, we were threatened. Because our company gunnery sergeant, a staff sergeant, is tired of "cleaning up after us" in the heads, he is threatening to post SIX MARINES AT A TIME at all times outside of the bathrooms. They'll make sure all the paper towels are thrown away after people exit the bathroom.

Of course, you can't reason with a staff sergeant, who not surprisingly is an asshole former drill instructor. Incidentally, former DIs have a really hard time letting go of boot camp and persist in treating everyone below their level of authority like recruits, even though we're marines now.

Anyway, like I was saying, you can't reason with him. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE PAID TO CLEAN THE BATHROOMS TWICE A DAY! But it's our fault that it gets dirty in there! And, it MUST BE BRAVO COMPANY MARINES' FAULT that the bathrooms get dirty with Georgians, Afghan Interpreters, and MARINES FROM ANY OTHER UNIT ON THE BASE using the bathrooms. But no...we get threatened. I guess we needed 30,000 troops to come over here so we could spare enough at a time to post six at once to stand outside a couple bathrooms and have a continuous relief for 24 hours a day. If this actually happens, will I be surprised? No. If this actually happens and they pick LS marines to do it, will I be surprised? No. It doesn't matter that my platoon is the only platoon in the company who has a designated platoon commander that's an officer, we still get the shit slapped out of our face on a daily basis.

Now, the next time I get on facebook and see some peer of mine, some college student who has a bathroom in their apartment and has to only take a few steps to reach it, someone who can get drunk if they need to self medicate at the end of the weekend, someone who never has to worry about electricity, someone who never has to take fucking cover when bombs rain down on their neighborhood TYPE "FML" IN THEIR FACEBOOK STATUS...I'll probably lose it.

Fuck your life? Are you fucking kidding me?

And yes, I didn't get drafted. I wanted to enlist. And if I could go back in time, find myself, and beat the shit out of myself two years ago for even having the thought, I would.